Text in italics is spoken dialogue.
“A Barrel Of Oil" – Mac and Company
(Mac): Well I don’t think we can do that kind of deal, sir.
I understand.
Sir. But. Uh huh.
(Receptionist): Hal on line one.
(Hal): Hey Mac. You’re back. How was Mexico?
(Mac): It was Tokyo and it was fine.
(Hal): Coffee?
(Mac): One minute. I got the ambassador’s tits in the ringer. I just need to put on the squeeze.
Sir! I understand that sir. Since what you need to remember is this is oil we are talking about. Sir!
What it is. A holding cost commodity
What it is. Drives the whole economy
Geopolitical, we’re talking military
We’re talking global incidentally
(Mac):If we could seal any one of these deals. We’re talking greasing a million wheels
You have our offer, sir. I look forward to your government’s response
It’s all about the deal
Money in the soil
Roller coaster, rise and fall
It’s all about the deal
And money in the soil
And it’s all about the price
Of a barrel of oil
Who he is. A guy who fills the working day
Who he is. A guy who can extrapolate
A true professional. Deals with everybody
An international. Talk to anybody
The kind of guy who hides the price of a lie
I’m the kind of guy who can modify
The guy who’s winning. The guy who’s grinning
So we can roll, roll, roll, dig it
Roll, roll, roll
Roll, roll, roll dig it
Let those barrels roll
We can roll, roll, roll, dig it
Roll, roll, roll
Roll, roll, roll dig it
Let those barrels roll
You want to keep a store of it?
Think price of oil.
Barrel of oil
You want to buy some more of it?
Think price of oil.
Barrel of oil
You want to come ashore with it?
Think price of oil.
Barrel of oil
You want to have a war?
Think price of oil.
But drill too much
Uh Oh Uh Oh
Big trouble and such
Uh Oh Uh Oh
Too much oil around
Uh Oh Uh Oh
Will see the price go down
Uh Oh
Now take some pills. Play the wheels.
You know what you got to do
You got to pay the bills
Take some pills. Play the wheels.
You know what you got to do
You got to pay the bills
Is everybody happy?
Yeah
That’s what we are trying to create
Is everybody happy?
Hell yeah!
You bet!
You can get it out of anywhere
Heavy, or light
Barrel of oil
You can get it out of anywhere
So long as the price is right
Barrel of oil
So we can get it from the earth
Hit it for all it’s worth
(Mac): Tell them girls. Come on!
Like a big red mole
Gotta be in control
So we can roll, roll, roll, dig it
Roll, roll, roll
Roll, roll, roll dig it
Let them barrels
Roll, roll, roll, dig it
Roll, roll, roll
Roll, roll, roll dig it
Let them barrels roll
Let them barrels
Let them barrels
Let them barrels roll
“Houston We Have A Problem" – Mac
Houston, We have a problem
Forever
Suspended in the air
Going where ever
To some other room out there
I have permission to buy an entire place
Complete my mission and then return to base
Houston. We have a problem
I do the numbers.
Dollars on a cheque
What am I?
I’m a travelling exec
Instructed to purchase or procure
I’m, expected to take a deal and make secure
But where am I?
I’m not sure
Guess by now I’m used to being a hired gun
Walking down the lonely streets, to be the lonely one
Glancing to a mirror, think that I know what I see
These days it seems I can’t make out who’s looking back at me
As ever
This won’t be my habitat
But whatever
There’s something more than that
I keep pretending
I’m not tired of being alone
It seems never ending
Home is a place away from home
Instructed to purchase or procure
I’m expected to take a deal and make secure
But where am I?
Where am I?
Who am I?
I’m not sure.
Houston, We have a problem
“We're Going To Make A Killing" - Company
We are gathered here today
We are gathered not to pray
For the oil man has his bounty to bestow
The oil man has appeared
And we have gathered here
To get it absolutely clear about the dough
What’s in it for us?
Where’s the money going?
Who gets the profits?
That’s what we want to know!
They’re going to be here and off the shore
They’re going to make a million, maybe even more
And we will never see it!
They’re going to be here. They’re going to be there
It’s only what we deserve!
And it’s only fair
It’s our oil boom. It’s only what we deserve. So just remember, OK, it’s our oil after all.
(Iain) We’ve got to hold our nerve and just remember, OK. Just let me take care of it all
(everyone argues)
And they’re going to start the pumping
Before the fish are jumping
They’ll be rigging and jigging and digging and filling and drilling
And we’re going to make a killing
A killing
We’re going to make a killing
(Gordon): Calmness. Calmness.
We want an honest living. To earn an honest shilling
I think they’ll find us more than willing
And we’re going to make a killing
A killing
We’re going to make a killing
(Rev Murdo): Quiet. The American is passing.
Amen
"What A Life" – Ben
(Mac): I don’t understand
If you take beachcombing, we could go roaming
Out on the shore with the gulls and the tide
By the rock pools, the pathways, seaways and skyways
If you were to walk by my side
Take the track lines in daylight, shoreline at twilight
There will be something or other turn up without fail
Be it a gift from the trade lords, or a ghost of the sea wolves
Or just the bones of a sailor, or a whale
And sometimes you’re dreaming
And sometimes just talking
And then you’ll been walking and talking a mile
And if you feel like star gazing
There will be something amazing
If you lay down and watch for a while
(Ben): Would you care for a dram?
(Mac): Wait a minute, Ben. You can’t fool me. This is expensive booze. You bought this somewhere.
(Ben): A rich man’s yacht sank.
(Mac): Talk about every cloud.
(Ben): Slainte
(Stella): Slainte
(Mac): Slainte
And if you find yourself thinking
And you don’t mind drinking
Some whisky or other from a mug made of tin
And you don’t feel like leaving
Will you stay for the evening
By the fire with the dark rolling in
When I think of the pleasure
Revealed in each treasure
That appears with the turning of year over year
I know you can’t put a price on paradise
And I think what a life there is here
What a life
(Stella) What a life
(Mac): Damn! I’m late. I got to get going. Where’s my briefcase?. Thanks for the scotch
(Stella): He’s got a watch that tells him what to do
(Ben): (laughing) What a life
"Filthy Dirty Rich" - Gordon
We’re going to be rich. Rich. Filthy dirty rich.
Filthy. Dirty. Filthy dirty rich
We’re going to be rich. Rich. Filthy dirty rich.
(Stella): Filthy dirty? What’s so dirty?.
(Gordon): Filthy, dirty rich
(Stella): Gordon. What’s going on? You’re supposed to be front of house.
(Gordon): Knox Oil want to build a refinery. A great big beautiful refinery right here in Ferness..
(Stella): A refinery?
(Gordon): They want to buy us out. All of us. Oh Stella, isn’t that brilliant?
If we play our cards right the whole village will make a fortune.
(Stella): It’s huge!
(Gordon): I know!
We’ll get rid of the fucking hotel
And be filthy rich as well
(Stella): Does it cover the beach as well?
(Gordon): Good point, it all goes into the price
(Stella): Price?
(Gordon): Mac asked me to negotiate on behalf of the whole village.
(Stella): You’re not going to do it are you?
(Gordon): Why not?
(Stella): Gordon. This is our home.
(Gordon): Oh yes, so it is
And we’re going to be rich, rich, filthy dirty rich.
Filthy dirty, filthy dirty rich
Horribly, terribly, filthy dirty rich.
(Stella): Where are you going?
(Gordon): To break the news!
We’re going to be rich, rich, filthy dirty rich
Filthy dirty. It’s making me flirty
Filthy dirty rich
"Rocks and Water" – Stella
It’s only rocks and water
Sand and sea and rocks and water
Look around there’s only land and sea and sky
And yet I’m asking why
If it’s only rocks and water
Then something’s not in order
As if there’s something taking over
And it’s only rocks and water
Sand and sea and rocks and water
In every place I wander
In the hills and in the harbour
It calls me with the strangest sounds
That fill the air
I hear them everywhere
In every cave and every corner
Something’s getting stronger
I tell myself it doesn’t matter
That it’s only rocks and water
Sand and sea and rocks and water
In every cave and every corner
Oh, something’s getting stronger
I tell myself it doesn’t matter
That it’s only rocks and water
Sand and sea and rocks and water
"That'd Do Me" – Company
(Ownie): What’d do me, what‘d do me
Really, really do it for me
Would be really not a lot
Not a lot you know
(Netta): Just a nice wee little bungalow
With a nice wee window for looking out
(Rhona): A nice wee little motor car to get about
Yeah. That’d do me. Oh that’d do me
(chorus – sung twice)
That’d do nicely
Very, very nicely
That’d do nicely
Thank you very much
(Iain): What’d do me, what’d do me
Really, really do it for me
Is to play my guitar
(Rhona): And about the car
(Iain): It could be red or blue.
(Company): Red or blue
(Rhona): Actually I might need two
(Company): Might need two
(Netta): And a big white sofa facing that away
See, I’ve been reading up on my feng shui
That’d do me
(chorus – sung twice)
That’d do nicely
Very, very nicely
That’d do nicely
Thank you very much
(Gordon): What’d do me, what’d do me
Really, really do it for me
It would be such a breeze
(Company): Such a breeze
To own 12 companies
(Company): 12 companies
And get a month’s paid holiday from each
(Ownie): Gordon, after we sell the beach
(Iain): And a nice wee bus for my backing band
To take us all the way to wonderland
That’d do me
(chorus – sung 4 times)
That’d do nicely
Very, very nicely
That’d do nicely
Thank you very much
(Rev Murdo):
Let’s come now and give thanks and praise
Voices to the heavens raise
(Company):
Cash and cars and holidays
Hallejujah!
Happy days so
Hallejujah!
That’d do nicely
Very, very nicely
That’d do nicely
Thank you very much
(spoken over radio): This is USSR Maxim Gorky calling Port of Stornoway. USSR Maxim Gorky calling Stornoway..
(Mistress Fraser): Viktor!
(Mistress Fraser):
What would do it for me
Just do it for me
Would be my only one
My only, only one
Every day I see him there
Sometimes I think he doesn’t care
We sit and watch the Northern Lights
Keep each other warm at night
That’d do me
Oh, that’d do me
"Big Mac and Gordon" - Company
(Viktor) It’s showtime
When Mac stepped in to the old church hall
Someone else was waiting, his back to the wall
A homegrown professional, Gordon was his name
To take on Texas at the property game
(Gordon) We’ll sell, all in, for fifteen million
Each had dreamed of walking in the other man’s shoes
But neither individual was turning up to lose
They were wheeling and a dealing, they were evenly matched
Every house and every street had it’s own price attached
(Mac) I was thinking more like five point one
Mac finally reached a number, commenced to write it down
For the beach and the headland and all the blimmin’ town
For the whole kit and kaboodle, an acquisition scheme
That was an awful lot of money, more than anyone had dreamed
Gordon said “Away ye go we’re not so easily sold”
He was turning down a fortune and a pot of yankee gold
The offer on the table, evidently not enough
Something had to give. Negotiations had begun
(Gordon): Thirteen
(Mac): Six
(Gordon): Twelve
(Mac): Eight
(Gordon): Eleven
(Mac): Nine
(Gordon): Eleven!
(Mac): Ten. Ten million Gordon, that is my absolute limit. Ten million, or the deal is off.
(Gordon): No.
(Company shouts in surprise and horror. A baby cries)
(Mac): That’s a shame. I thought we had an understanding. Well it was nice to meet you all. Goodbye.
Mac was picking up his briefcase. Kicking back his chair.
He looked like he was aiming to be walking out of there’
His slick black Gucci’s beat a rhythm on the floor
And Mac was heading straight towards the church hall door
(Gordon): Wait!
(Viktor): An old friend got to whisper in Gordon’s ear
(Gordon): We’re not done yet Mac. Come back here.
(Gordon): Ten million.
(Mac): Good man
(Gordon): Plus a royalty of one percent on every barrel of oil processed here, for the community of Ferness.
Guaranteed and in perpetuity
(Rhona): But Mac was on the limit.
(Mac): Not another dime
(Rhona): Eternity passed in a very short time
(Ownie): You could have cut the air with a fisherman’s knife
(Rhona): And Gordon was holding out for the deal of his life
(Company): Everybody thought that the deal was blown sky high
They were looking at each other straight in the eye
Then Mac gave a tiny little nod of his head
And spoke just one word
(Mac): Done
(Company): He said
(Company): Rich, rich, filthy dirty rich
Rich, rich, filthy dirty rich.
That’s the way it happened. That’s how it came to be.
Big Mac and Gordon made history
Big Mac and Gordon
Big Mac and Gordon
(Viktor): You know who came up with that one percent?
Got first class deal and a settlement
It might be Gordon Urquhart who you are thinking of
But it was me. Who?
Viktor Vladamirovich Popov.
Viktor Vladamirovich Popov.
And the moral of this story?
If you want to understand capitalism, ask a communist. Ah Ha Ha Ha Ha.
(Viktor): Viktor Vladamirovich Popov.
(Viktor): Viktor Vladamirovich Popov.
(Company): Big Mac and Gordon.
(Viktor): Viktor Vladamirovich Popov.
(Company): Big Mac and Gordon.
"I Wonder If I Can Go Home Again" - Mistress Fraser and Company
I have been where I’ve been
And I have seen what I’ve seen
How I’m feeling today is not what I felt then
And my plans for myself make me almost ashamed
And I wonder if I can go home again
I see the wild sea birds wheel
Or the swirl of the tide
As if I never walked by the waters so wide
Every wave rolling in
That breaks on the shore
Makes me feel that I’ve never slow danced before
And when he comes near
My life goes astray
And yesterday seems
Like a lifetime away
(Duncan): One, two three. One two three. Steady girls. Keep to the beat.
(Mac): My God. Duncan, the sky, it’s on fire.
(Duncan):No, no, no,, Mr Mac, not fire. Those are the heavenly dancers. The (drunkenly mispronounces Aurora Borealis).
(Mac): Duncan. Guard the phone box. Don’t let anyone else make a call.
(Duncan): Guard it. From whom?
I never once gave a thought
To the how and the why
Now I’m gazing at stars
In what once was just sky
And I’m dreaming that he could be more than a friend
And I wonder if I can go home again
Just dreaming that he could be more than a friend
And I wonder if I can go home again
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concludes Act 1.
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Act 2 begins
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"Never Felt Better" – Company
(Mac): O God!. What happened?
There was beer and wine and whisky
And whatever truth be told
They may have all been mixed together
And with the drink and dance and laughter
You might think there’d be a trace of morning after
With the mother and the father of a bender there will always be
The things you don’t remember
Last night wouldn’t scratch the surface. See, the party didn’t even start in earnest
All harmonious accord
And nothing untoward
If the lady ever complains, I never met her
It was a very quiet night
Not a piss artist in sight
Never felt better
Hangover?
Give over. No way
Never felt better than today
Now, we’ve been on some binges and some big ones
You’d have thought there’d be some winges after this one
We’ve had some mighty celebrations with libation
And who was it that poured the last one?
But we held up rather well
The regulars, the clientele
Fulfilled every expectation to the letter
It was a very quiet night
And we’re perfectly alright
Never felt better
Hangover?
Give over. No way
Never felt better than to ………
"Cheerio Away You Go" - Ben and Stella
(Ben):
Now you’re good at calculations
And I’m sure negotiations
But I think perhaps there’s something you should know
In my humble estimation
You can’t fake a valuation
And it seems it’s up to me to tell you so
(Mac): 20 thousand
(Gordon): It’s a generous offer.
I have every admiration
For your powers of persuasion
All that back and forth and to and fro
(Viktor): Offer him a yacht. A car. Shoes.
I’ve enjoyed our conversation
Appreciate your situation
But as we say up here in Scotland
(Mac): Yes?
(Ben): Cheerio. Away ye go!
Cheerio, away ye go
Cheerio, away ye go
Away ye go, wee man, away ye go
(Stella): That’s Gaelic for fuck off!
Cheerio, away ye go
Cheerio, away ye go
(Gordon): You’re enjoying this.
(Ben): Away ye go, wee man, away ye go
(Stella): A wee bit.
(Stella): Could be the wild blue yonder
(Gordon): Stella, you’re being ridiculous
(Stella): Or the ocean’s endless wonder
(Gordon): It’s Ferness. Not bloody Narnia.
(Stella): So many treasures waiting here to show
(Gordon): Oh. Give over.
(Ben): You see this place gives me my living
Every day it goes on giving
As we say up here in Scotland
Cheerio, away ye go
Cheerio, away ye go
Cheerio, away ye go
(Gordon): Where are you going?
(Stella): You’ve had your cold bath, Gordon Urquhart. It’s time for me to go and have mine.
(Gordon): there’s a perfectly good bath back at the hotel.
(Stella): The sea’s fine and unlike the hotel, it’s not infested with sharks.
(Gordon): Stella. Stella. Stella!
(Ben): Away ye go, wee man, away ye go.
Cheerio,
You said we’ll be rich. Rich. Filthy dirty rich.
Filthy. Dirty. Filthy dirty rich
Filthy. Dirty.
(Iain): Bigger than ERNIE *
Filthy dirty rich
You said we’ll be rich. Rich. Filthy dirty rich.
Filthy. Dirty. Filthy dirty rich
Filthy. Dirty.
(Ownie):I paid my deposit
Filthy dirty rich
(Gordon): I promise. I’ll come up with something. Don’t worry.
[Rhona]: It’s not us you should be worried about Gordon. It’s you!
* (ERNIE is the machine that draws the winning numbers in the UK,s monthly premium bond prize draw)
"Numbers"- Stella and Mac
(Stella): Struggling, Mac?
(Mac): No. I’m fine. I just need to find the right number, that’s all
(Stella):The right number?
(Mac): A value that I can assign to this beach.
(Stella): Look at it Mac. It’s worthless and it’s priceless. It’s tiny, but it’s endless. It could be here for a billion years, but it changes every day. How can you put a number on that?
(Mac): You can put a number on anything, if you know how.
(Stella): So when you see a falling star
(Mac): I’m thinking Newton’s Law of Gravity
(Stella): The sun, the moon and who we are
(Mac): Light, I guess and energy
(Stella): Do you believe in mystery?
(Mac): The theory of everything will be numbers. Mathematical
(Stella): All of your numbers. Problematical
(Mac): Pardon me?
(Stella): This thing we call emotion. Don’t you see it’s magical?
(Mac): I don’t really do emotion. I do logical
(Stella): Obsession and devotion
(Mac): well I’m just an estimator
(Stella): What if you find there is more to life than just a calculator?
(Mac): I guess you must be thinking, I’m an ordinary Joe.
I might not be a poet. I’m no Michael Angelo. But I can
(Stella): Tell me something I don’t know
(Mac): I can try and I’ll go slow
(Stella): So?
(Mac): So. Even mutual attraction has been determined as a fraction
(Stella): No way!
(Mac): There’s a known specific equation for each physical manifestation
And science came up with a formula. It’s thermodynamic phenomena
For sure
(Mac): Are you still hearing me?
(Stella): It’s not quite clear to me
(Mac): If it’s not quite clear
(Mac): OK. How about this?
Imagine this view was a painting on your wall. Now imagine one night someone came and stole thit painting.
How much would you be willing to pay to get it back?
(Stella): Mac, if someone stole my painting, I’d break his legs with a baseball bat. No mercy.
(Mac): How much would you pay?
(Stella): I don’t know. Infinity.
(Mac): Infinity is not a number.
(Stella): And Ferness is not a painting!
(Mac): Come on Stella!
Nothing stays the same forever. Everything dies. It’s called entropy. We can’t escape it.
(Stella): Mac, Stop
(Mac): What?
(Stella): Just stop talking. Just breathe. Feel the breeze on your face. Listen to the waves.
We’re only here for a second, Mac, We’re hardly a breath. Hardly a heartbeat.
This space. This is forever.This is life. We are just “blow ins”.
(Stella): As no one’s faith can last for ever
(Mac): Except for the numbers
(Stella): All of your numbers
(Mac): Numbers. One plus one. Like he and she
(Stella): Problem is, we can’t agree
(Mac): To create a synergy
(Stella): Desire, now there’s a mystery
(Mac): Pheromones proximity
(Stella): A fire becoming ash and heat
(Mac): Surely. Surely. Chemistry
(Stella): If everything is numbers tell me how long is forever supposed to be
(Both): If everything is numbers tell me how long is forever supposed to be
(Both): Forever supposed to be
(Stella): Forever
"In An Ideal Word" - Mac and Gordon
(Mac): I’ve been thinking. And I don’t want to stay here indefinitely. I want to stay here longer than that.
(Gordon): Longer?
(Mac): I’ve been watching you. And I think, I think I could make a good Gordon, Gordon
(Mac): In an ideal world
(Mac):I could do what you do
(Gordon): Run this place, keep it nice
(Gordon): A little business advice
(Mac): Wear my deal maker's hat
(Gordon): Here and there. This and that
(Mac): You could take my car
(Mac):I’m gonna buy it brand new
(Both): In and ideal world
(Both):I can see me as you
(Mac): And in this ideal world
(Mac):I can see you as me too
(Gordon): Paying attention to things
(Gordon):Whatever life brings
(Mac): You over there
(Mac):With your know how and flair
(Gordon): If we could only swap places
(Mac): Swap our jobs
(Gordon): And swap faces
(Mac): You could have my apartment
(Gordon): I could head your department
(Mac): You'd be running the whole damn show
(Mac): You’d head acquisitions, you know
(Mac):That's my position and so
(Mac):You have my permission to go
(Mac): You can go. Here, this is my car. Here’s my keys. Just show up on Monday morning,
call yourself “Mac” and I swear no one will know the difference. Well? What do you say?
(Gordon): Done!
(Mac): Which brings me to
Well. You know who
Maybe I could love her
Maybe she could love me too
Who knows.
In an ideal world
I could do what you do
And she'd be my girl
In an ideal world
Is that? Is that a? It’s probably just a satellite.
"In An Ideal Word" - Mac and Gordon
(Mac): I’ve been thinking. And I don’t want to stay here indefinitely. I want to stay here longer than that.
(Gordon): Longer?
(Mac): I’ve been watching you. And I think, I think I could make a good Gordon, Gordon
(Mac): In an ideal world
(Mac):I could do what you do
(Gordon): Run this place, keep it nice
(Gordon): A little business advice
(Mac): Wear my deal maker's hat
(Gordon): Here and there. This and that
(Mac): You could take my car
(Mac):I’m gonna buy it brand new
(Both): In and ideal world
(Both):I can see me as you
(Mac): And in this ideal world
(Mac):I can see you as me too
(Gordon): Paying attention to things
(Gordon):Whatever life brings
(Mac): You over there
(Mac):With your know how and flair
(Gordon): If we could only swap places
(Mac): Swap our jobs
(Gordon): And swap faces
(Mac): You could have my apartment
(Gordon): I could head your department
(Mac): You'd be running the whole damn show
(Mac): You’d head acquisitions, you know
(Mac):That's my position and so
(Mac):You have my permission to go
(Mac): You can go. Here, this is my car. Here’s my keys. Just show up on Monday morning,
call yourself “Mac” and I swear no one will know the difference. Well? What do you say?
(Gordon): Done!
(Mac): Which brings me to
Well. You know who
Maybe I could love her
Maybe she could love me too
Who knows.
In an ideal world
I could do what you do
And she'd be my girl
In an ideal world
Is that? Is that a? It’s probably just a satellite.
"Rocks and Water reprise" – Stella
(Stella): All this will be ruined. In a few years the refinery will be built. The bay will be full of concrete and fire. Ships and steel. You won’t see the stars for the lights. You won’t hear the sea for the noise it makes.
(Gordon): Stella.
It’s only rocks and water
Sand and sea and rocks and water
Look around There’s only land and sea and sky
And now you’re asking why
If it’s only rocks and water
(Gordon): What will you do?
(Stella): Don’t worry about me. I’ll find some other mist covered bay to fry my fish in. Make it my home and may be fall in love.
"I Wonder If I Can Go Home Again (reprise)" – Mac
I have been where I’ve been
And I have seen what I’ve seen
How I’m feeling today is not what I felt then
And my plans for myself make me almost ashamed
And I wonder if I can go home again
(Mac talking into a Dictaphone):
Expedite immediate cancellation of pipeline and processing facility on Ferness beach.
Shuttle crude to continental markets in tanker fleets. This could limit the damage. It could make better sense.
Instigate Happer Foundation Observatory.
Trigger accommodation for Mr Ben Knox. Recommend a selection of fully insulated Norwegian style timber built chalets. Plus recommend inclusion of sauna and hot tub. You’ll like that, Ben, I promise. That won’t mean a thing to you now, but you’ll get to love it.
And ah Item - Add Popov Socialist Holdings to the construction supply tender list.
Just dreaming that she could be more than a friend
And I wonder if I can go home again
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